Memories of that last week...

As I was prepping yesterday for a big week of baking I received a phone call. As I answered the phone the woman on the other end began crying and introduced herself as Jaime. I turned off my music that was playing in my kitchen and sat down. I had heard about this family earlier in the week from someone at church. They just had a baby boy on April 12 and his name is Gabriel. They spent about an hour with him before he passed. This was the first time an angel's mommy had reached out to me for support as so many have done the same for me. I instantly prayed that The Lord would give me the right words to say to her.

The days between following a loss and leading up to the funeral were probably the worst And the hardest days I have ever lived. Some of the moments were a blur, and some of them were heart wrenching. I remember not being able to sleep at all that week. I would stay up at night planning my daughters funeral so that it would be perfect and special. We went to different appointments planning this and that and ordering flowers and picking out urns and then we had the chance to see her one more time at the funeral home. She was laying in a small empty chapel still dressed in her pretty pink dress. She didn't look the same to me. The makeup on her face was dark, her eyelids and lips looked smaller and darker. When I touched her she felt cold, hard and limp. I just stood there and stared at my princess and cried. I sang her special song to her one last time and held her hand with my finger as I always did, I brushed her hair with my hand and kissed her face, and her forehead, her arm, and her feet. I said goodbye and then I didn't feel her presence there anymore. That body was no longer hers, and then I felt peace. I felt ok to go, to leave that beautiful body there.

After that phone call yesterday I sat and thought about all these things again as I do almost everyday. I thought about how far I have come since that last day of seeing her. I thought about what she's done in my life and how truly amazing she is for being this small infant, that couldn't even make noise, she couldn't cry, she couldn't talk, but she did speak to me through her eyes and her look, and she still does speak to me through the songs she plays for me when I am baking a cake, and when I look at her picture hanging on the wall, her eyes still speak to me and every time they say " I love you Mama! I love you for who you are and what you are! Thank you for loving me so so much!"

When I tell people Gracie's story now everyone says how strong I am. "How can you talk about her without crying, you are so strong." I don't feel strong. When I tell her story, it makes me happy BECAUSE I'm talking about her. I LOVE talking about her. That's the part that people don't understand. I am her mom, and just like every other mom, I want to talk about my kids. If you ever meet anyone that has lost their child and you don't know what else to say but "I'm sorry," next time ask them to tell you about their son or daughter. Ask them to tell you their story or a memory about them. If it was a pregnancy loss or still born, ask them what their favorite part of their pregnancy was, or ask them what you can do to honor their babies memory.

Now Gracie has another new baby friend to show around Heaven and to play and laugh with. Jaime asked me if I would make cupcakes for Gabriel's funeral. She wanted cupcakes to celebrate Gabriel's birthday. So I am making 120 cupcakes for the funeral on Friday and what Jaime doesn't know is I am making a special cupcake called "Gabriel Bear" for them. His middle name is Bear so I am making a chocolate ganache cupcake with baby blue buttercream and a chocolate bear on top of each one.

So my busy week coming up. I have 2 birthday cakes for Friday, 3 dozen cupcakes for a shower on Friday, 120 cupcakes for a funeral on Friday and 300 cupcakes for the Hope in Grace fundraiser on Saturday. Lets see how this all pans out, lol! Love what I do!