Happy Half Birthday Gracie Girl!

6 months ago today I was in my recovery room at Abbot Northwestern in a lot of pain but feeling so unbelievably blessed to be a mom. 6 months later I am still a mom, but I'm a mom that longs for my baby girl. Today we would have been celebrating our Gracie Girl's half birthday. She would have had 2 of her open heart surgeries done by now and we would be at home loving her up every day. Instead, I'm mourning and all I want to do is see her pretty blue eyes staring at me, watching me and lighting up the way she always did. I miss her silly scrunched up faces and her cute little nose and beautiful profile. I miss the way she would tell a story just by looking at you and how she loved to hold out her hand to find a finger to hold onto. I miss her soft hair and skin. I miss holding her and watching her fall asleep as I sang to her. I loved watching her take a bottle for the first time when the doctors said she wouldn't and making her occupational therapist cry when she did and then reached out her hand to touch my face.

I never got to dance with her, never got to bake her first cake, never got to take her on a walk or push her on the swings. I never even got to take her home to see her beautiful butterfly room.

All of this is very frustrating and unfair, but mostly it makes me sad. I cry at the little things that remind me of her, when I know no one else understands it. I cry when I see other babies and I can't even walk by the baby section at Target, I have to go around it. Some people have asked me are you going to have more kids? The answer is we would like to have more kids, but unfortunately, that won't be anytime soon since I had to have a C-section. I will continue to have this longing to have a baby around until we do, and even then no child can ever ever replace my Gracie girl. There are days I can't physically eat and days I don't want to get out of bed. But you know what, I do it because I have to, because I need to, because that's what Gracie wants for me, she wants me to be happy and healthy. I'm doing my best baby girl, but it's not easy.

The other day I was baking in the kitchen and I heard this huge crash of something hitting the ground. It was our huge floating shelf above our tv in the living room. It had fallen completely down. In this shelf I had all these little willow tree angels and snow babies that remind me of Gracie, some were given to me this passed Christmas that even look like her. I had picture frames of her on there as well. Most of these angels broke along with some of the frames. I sobbed and sobbed, I was so upset, why did THIS of all things have to fall down?! This among other things has happened and upset me the passed few months but there has always been something or someone that makes it ok and I don't let it get me down. After the shelf event happened a friend on Facebook told me that she was convinced that it was Gracie on the shelves looking at all the Angels. i'm thankful for these kind of people in my life.

So today I will celebrate her half birthday by wearing her best color, bright pink (and thank you to those of you that wore pink for her as well), and sing all her favorite songs, pray for all her friends' mommy's and daddy's, pray for all the kids and babies that struggle with their broken hearts here on earth, and continue to spread awareness about congenital heart defects, but most of all share Gracie's story forever and ever and ever. I hope you all do the same.

Gracia, I know God is celebrating you today, I send you all my love and kisses. I don't know if someone in Heaven has made you a cake, and I'm sorry it won't be as good as Mommy's cakes, but I hope it's pink and purple with lots of butterflies on it just for you!


http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jbHrIYR3GE8