5 months old

Today would have been Gracia's 5 month Birthday. Thinking about her a lot today. As I look outside at the pretty fluffy snow falling, I wonder what she would have thought of the snow or what she would have thought of the pretty lights on our Christmas tree. I can just see her bright eyes gazing at them and smiling. Even though she never got to come home, she is everywhere in our house. Pictures and Gracie things in every room.

December was a hard month with my birthday and Christmas and New Years. I for once am glad it's over. For Christmas my family wrote letters to Gracie in Heaven and attached them to balloons, that made me happy,knowing that she may have gotten them, even if it's just in my mind. It is hard starting a new year. 2012 was the most amazing, life-changing, challenging, and devastating year I've ever experienced, and will probably ever experience. I spent every day this passed year with my Gracie girl. She was either inside me or right beside me minus the last 69 days of the year.

We actually found out we were having a baby the week before New Years last year and announced it on New Years Eve 2011. At our 12 week appointment my OB wanted us to get an ultrasound because the baby felt big and warned us we might be having twins. A week later I was reassured we were not and felt a sense of relief but then was concerned when the technician asked me to come back to talk with the doctor about something she saw. A week later we were told it was most likely turners syndrome and that I could expect a miscarriage any day. After taking an amniocentesis, test results were normal and we were confused and again, relieved. Looking for more answers we had another ultrasound and looked closer at the heart. There they found only half of one but we also found out we were having a girl. We knew she was our Gracia right away.

You've all read the story about my 32 hours of labor and scares that Gracie gave us and then being rushed into an emergency C-section. I lay on that table nervous and waiting to hear news that she was ok. Then I saw her in a picture that Shawn took on his phone. She was beautiful. Then they brought her into the room all bundled up and brought her up close to my face so I could see her. I cried and I said "she's pink! they said she would be blue, but she's pink!" She was an angel, even then. Even though I saw her for such a brief time after I gave birth, I will always remember the first time I saw her and the first time she looked at me.

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As for me, I have some new news. At the beginning of December I met a lady that is taking over a Cakery in Hudson, WI. Long story short, I am her Cake Decorator and am also helping with the redesign of the Cakery as well. A potential bakery that could someday be mine. We'll see how I feel about it years down the road. Since this job is very part time right now because it is not wedding season yet, I am still running my cake business from home, so if you still need a cake, give me a call. I was very busy this last month with wedding cakes and Christmas cakes so that made me very happy and busy. I have also been experimenting a lot lately, I have about 8 new cake recipes. Check 'em out... http://beckscakes.shutterfly.com/

I was also recently diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism, may be Graves' disease but they have decided to treat it as thyroid disease right now. I've had many symptoms and my body has just felt like it's been falling apart and shutting down since October but I kept on being told it was just stress and post partum stuff. Well I happen to know my own body, and losing hair, being tired all the time, and losing 40 pounds in as little as 4 months is not ok and is not normal and guess what, I was right! To this day, doctors still never listen to me, it's really too bad I don't have the paper that says I can diagnose myself.

I wanted to leave you all with a story that I came across and I believe I was meant to see it. I believe this was part of Gracie's story before she came down to keep us company...

Half of an Angel's Heart

It's a beautiful day up in Heaven. Jesus is rounding up his tiniest
angels, to go live on earth, and be born.

One of the sweetest angels says to Jesus "I don't want to leave, I
like it here, and I will miss you." He reassures the scared little
angel that everything will be okay, and that she is just going for a
visit.

She is still not swayed on this idea. So Jesus, kneels down, and
says "How about if you leave half of your heart here with me and
take the other half with you, will that be okay?" The angel smiles
and says "I guess that will work".

But the little angel is still a little scared. She asks "Will I be
okay with only half of my heart?" Jesus replies, "Of course you
will, I have other angels there that will help out, and you will be
fine."

Then Jesus gives the angel more details about his plan, he
says "When you are born, your Mommy will be scared, so you have to be strong, and when you feel weak just remember that I have the other half of your heart." "Enjoy your time with your family, play and laugh everyday."

"And when its time to come back to Heaven, I will make your heart
whole again." "Always remember, that you are not broken, just torn between two loves."

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Some more poems that came my way and say it all...

When I Became a Heart Mother.....

One day my world came crashing down,
I'll never be the same.
They told me that my child was sick...
I thought, am I to blame?

I don't think I can handle this...
I'm really not that strong.
It seemed my heart was breaking...
As, I'd loved her for so long.

I will not give up on this child...
despite your best "advice".
I will give my child a chance...
No matter what the price.

And I will learn all that I need...
to help my child to thrive.
I'll even use that feeding tube...
My child will survive!

Will she require therapy?
What if she can't gain weight?
Alright God I can do this...
I will not curse our fate.

The feeding pump beeps, at 3:00 a.m.
It serves as my reminder...
How many parents would welcome that sound?
Tomorrow Lord, I will be kinder.

Another angel earns their wings...
and I run to my sleeping child's bed...
I watch her then, for quite awhile...
Bend down and kiss her head

Then I cry for the parents whose lives have been broken,
And I look to God wondering why?
Oh Lord, I just can't know your ways...
No matter how I try.

And yet, I trust You to hold her life,
And guide us through each day
My mind says savor each moment she's here...
But my heart whispers,

"Please let her stay".
From... pacing the surgical waiting room...
to sitting by her hospital bed...
From... wishing for a good night's sleep...to learning every med...

From wondering will she be alright?
To watching her reach out her hands.
With every smile, my heart just melts.. despite life's harsh demands
For all who see that faded line...I look to them and smile...

You see, my child is loved so much...
I would face any trial.
That same scar I trace with my finger...
It's the door to her beautiful heart

I never guessed how much I'd love her...
Just as YOU loved her right from the start
A heart mom is always a heart mom...
Now wise beyond her years

And for those who have angels in heaven...
Our hearts share in all of your tears.
Everyday I will strive to remember...
You chose me for her and no other
And I will embrace that beautiful day...
When I became a "heart mother".
~Stephanie Husted

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Another Heart Poem:

I had plans...
such perfect plans...
of how our life would be...
A perfect job, a perfect home...
a perfect family.

It seemed like it should be that way...
(of course we'd have our trials)
But most days would be sunshine...
Laughter,love, and smiles...

And then, as I held pictures...
of my child, not yet born...
And heard the words "a heart defect"...
My own heart became torn.

First came the "Hows"...
Then came the "Whys"...
Then came the question...
What if my child dies?

Hiding for a little while...
trying so hard just to cope...
Wondering will she be okay?
living each moment with hope...

I thought that perhaps,someday...
I could breathe with a sigh of relief...
And know that she will be okay...
And let go of my grief...

It seems that moment doesn't come...
As each day starts anew...
I realize I must start each day...
By giving her to You...

Whatever Your plan for her life is...
I trust that it's written with care...
And You are God no matter what...
(Even when life isn't fair)

So I will really LOVE today...
So thankful that she's here...
And give her too many kisses...
And try to let go of my fear...

I'll try not to be so resentful...
And remember that life is for living...
I'll smile just knowing, she's here with us now...
And hold tightly to each day we're given.

~Stephanie Husted